some things are so inescapable…and maybe i’ve been pretending that they don’t bother me.  i’m a sucker for finding punishment in all that i do.  i made the mistake of finding a lot of old chat logs on my computer, and now i wonder if i should have even read them.  i feel empty, desolate, ruined…incomplete.  so many things said, unsaid, left unfinished, broken, destroyed…
 

i AM a monster.  you’ll never know it.  the things i’d said, the things i’d done…not one shred of affection or attentiveness shown…i was the epitome of all that i now despise.  i once said that to her, but truly it was me.  the signs were always there, so many questions of “so are you taking me out tonight?”  and i simply replied with some irrelevant reply and avoided the question, over and over. and why?  what the hell was my problem?  and the fright that holds me now is, am i STILL that person?  he came from somewhere…and will he come out again?
 

and it’s not just that one…i found chats from other girls i’d flirted with, things that never came to fruition…and i realized how lovely it is to have a girl express a true mutual interest…
 

i can remember how my heart bounced at things being said, old memories rushed back, and old pains reopened.  again, call me stupid for torturing myself reading them…so many hearts i’ve caressed, so few have caressed in return.  i think that’s the part that may hurt more, the fact that it’s unrequited. 

Have I fought myself to become so vastly different?  Am I simply a façade?  one thing I do know…I’m sad.  I’ve been sad for a long time…much longer than she came into my life.  Even before her I was sad.  I was just an enigmatic emotional machination roaming from one heart to the next, never being fulfilled, never finding completion.  I hope this is only temporary…hardly do these feelings surface.  For some reason it is hitting REALLY hard right now.  So many times this week I’ve had those thoughts of having someone at home waiting for me…a smiling face ready to hug and hold me…someone with which to grow…

But that face isn’t there.  That face has been missing for years.  At times I feel invisible to all the world around me, as if I’m standing still in one of those fast motion videos with people swarming at ultra speed and I’m the dot in the center that isn’t.  I’m lonely as that person standing still.  I’m generally moving along with the crowds, surging…swaying…swimming…and that keeps me stable.  It keeps me happy.  It keeps me content with being my own person and being alone.  My sadness isn’t just from being single, it’s not because I don’t have a girlfriend to share with, it’s because I’ve been absent from moments of having my heart pound and my nerves quake from someone’s mere presence.  Only the strongest ones can make me weakest, and I’ve been waiting again for it to happen.  Only when I stop moving and become the stationary dot in the crowd do I feel so helplessly lost inside your world…and it becomes increasingly difficult to start moving again.

She is there, somewhere, moving along with me…or even standing still as well…and hopefully one day our eyes will catch among that sea of instability…and I can feel complete again, if only for the briefest moment.