why is it me that always does things like this…maybe it isn’t me, maybe no one likes to admit things the way i do. i’ve acted oversensitive lately, i’ve acted like certain things might matter more, when i know that they don’t. they never have. i pretend to notice things and see differently than others, but do i really? i’m probably just kidding myself. it hurts to hear that i feel something deeper and more true…more than the others. i’ve told you i can’t MAKE you feel guilty…you’re doing it to yourself…and did you ever think that maybe you feel guilty because you DO feel an obligation? i want to believe that you just don’t want to admit to yourself that there are feelings you have that are way too confusing for you to understand right now…of course that would make me an arrogant prick…but what else is new. you share so much with me, stories, glances, emotion, contact…and you want these things from me…but yet you’re willing to give it up by believing that i very possibly am not a person you would want to be with. apparently i just don’t have the comprehension for the situation, i don’t have the understanding to think that i could have a near perfect relationship with someone and then just leave it at arms reach and never try to grab it…but whatever. i’m only opening the floodgate for a minute, i just needed to pour some of this out somewhere. i don’t want your sympathy or explanations, i don’t want comfort or reassurance. i don’t want any words about it. i like watching you fix dinner, i like helping you. i like how you wiggle your butt when you’re putting on jeans. you make me laugh when you pull out 3 or 4 outfits to try on and complain that you’re fat when you know you look gorgeous in whatever you’re wearing. i like hearing your voice and seeing your face as soon as i awake…and as soon as i go to sleep. i like you being the first thing i have contact with. i like our game of attack and retreat when we try to cuddle and sleep. i like the way your skin feels when i massage your back. you make me giggle when you wrap your feet with mine when we lay together. i love hearing you tell me about your sexy outfits and what you’re wearing when you go to bed… so many things i appreciate about you….so many things i want to say but shouldn’t…so many things i want to show but i’d dare not…

Guns N’ Roses Rocket Queen If I say I don’t need anyone I can say these things to you ‘Cause I can turn on anyone Just like I turned on you I got a tongue like a razor A sweet switchblade knife And I can do you favors But then you’ll do whatever I like Here I am And you’re a Rocket Queen I might be a little young But honey I ain’t naive Here I am And you’re a Rocket Queen, oh yeah I might be too much But honey you’re a bit obscene I’ve seen everything imaginable Pass before these eyes I’ve had everything that’s tangible Honey you’d be surprised I’m a sexual innuendo In this burned out paradise If you turn me on to anything You better turn me on tonight Here I am And you’re a Rocket Queen I might be a little young But honey I ain’t naive Here I am And you’re a Rocket Queen I might be too much But honey you’re a bit obscene I see you standing Standing on your own It’s such a lonely place for you For you to be If you need a shoulder Or if you need a friend I’ll be here standing Until the bitter end No one needs the sorrow No one needs the pain I hate to see you Walking out there Out in the rain So don’t chastise me Or think I, I mean you harm Or those that take you Leave you strung out Much too far Baby, yeah Don’t ever leave me Say you’ll always be there All I ever wanted Was for you To know that I care

You scored as A Too Astral Faerie. This is a common obsession for faeries, its the equivalent of ‘prep’ in human soceity. But instead of loving hair, clothes shoes etc, they admire stars, skies and nebulae. Well done, your a fashionable for a faerie lol. Mystic! See All Results/Comment A Too Astral Faerie 75% A Too Sweet Faerie 60% A Too Depressed Faerie 45% A Too Lazy Faerie 45% A Too Silly Faerie 40% A Too Kinky Faerie 35% A Too Evil Faerie 35% A Too Serious Faerie 35% A Too Sporty Faerie 20%

Which Dysfunctional Faerie are You?
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Can You See It In My Eyes? by Sandy Fioretti You don’t know how I’m feeling. I have yet to vocalize Desire deep inside me. Can you see it in my eyes? I tremble when I’m near you Heat travels up my thighs and I want you with an urgency That I just can’t describe. Dare I reach out to touch you? Do you think you’d realize How much I want and need you? Can you see it in my eyes? I long to say, “I love you,” But am scared of your reply. Terrified like a child I’ve become paralyzed. The camouflaged emotions Lead to pain and silent cries. And yet I just can’t tell you. Don’t you see it in my eyes? Confessing through this poem My dilemma summarized. The feeling’s quite cathartic, But will lead to my demise.

i suppose i’ve gained a bit more self-control with my words, somehow it “means” more this time…i worry that i’ll say the wrong thing and just end up hearing all the negative issues concerning our “relationship” as it were…i’ll say something too nice or too intimate and then i’m reminded how i’m still so far away from the closeness that i’d like to have. well, time holds me prisoner, i can only wait and see who comes to visit my cell. sure i already know the issues, sometimes i just don’t like to have them shown to me so many times. part of me likes to dwell in the illusion that i truly matter to you as much as you might matter to me…things are strong, feelings are strong, connections are strong…at times all i want is the disbelief that it might “be me.” i see new things every day, so many small, trivial things that others probably wouldn’t even care to notice…just the little nuances people take for granted…you bought “us” champagne for new years eve, you bought me a corkscrew for the next time we have wine… i like that you have become comfortable with me and the way things are…i can only say that this is a pretty strong estimation of how “things would be” if they were to progress to a different level. it was fairly amusing watching everyone trying to flirt with you when we went out, men aren’t great at being subtle…the way the fucking turn their heads 90 degress to watch you walk by them and such, like it’s a compliment for a guy to gawk at you like a starving animal and you’re the fresh meat…oh and lets not forget the two guys you knew, all i can say is “schooze” and “heyyyy i wannna thheeee youuuuouuuu….” maybe girls don’t notice the way guys do. i think it’s hilarious. sure, it was a tad uncomfortable to think that you MIGHT fall for it, but i have higher faith in you. that and i knew you were going home with me that night, so it just made me laugh to watch such a strong effort… i like how you aren’t afraid to come play on my computer if i’m stuck on the phone or getting ready or something, you’re really making yourself at home when you come over…you are opening up just a little each time and trying to explore my eccentric world…just don’t let yourself think you’ll understand it, i hardly understand much of it myself. i like how you have started saying “we” instead of “you” or “me.” i won’t take it to mean anything, sure, i know the familiar disclaimer…it’s nice that some type of partnership is at least verbalized and noticed. “we” can do this, what should “we” eat for dinner, “lets” do this, can “we” go here…it’s subtle but it really strikes my heart and makes me smile. i like the way you run your fingers through my hair. it’s simple. no thick explanation for it, i like the contact. i like that you have started asking me for things, like taking you to change your oil…i’m glad you’re comfortable enough to do that. along those lines you’ve let me do things for you with less argument, like buying you food or drinks. i like you being supportive of what i’m doing. you’re being supportive of me starting to work out, you’re getting better about dealing with my nosering and clothes…i know it’s hard for you… i like that you’ve started making plans with me, like for the wedding, for the next bday party, for MY bday party… i’m getting tired and losing track of my thoughts….maybe later…. your lips are soft, your skin is smooth…your eyes glow so brightly…your smile shines into my heart…i feel so at home and at peace when we’re in each others embrace…

we started a new year…and now my birth hour approaches. the events… i went to brian and jen’s party for a bit, crush went with, we had a lot of fun and should have stayed there. after that we went and picked up J and went downtown…which was mostly a mistake…it was crowded, but not ridiculously crowded. i only saw a couple people i knew, and i got to see 2 Live Crew so fuck you. we stayed for a bit, had my midnight kiss…went to dennys and ate breakfast, then i dropped off J. me and crush went to the party that was at, ran into a few familiar faces i hadn’t seen in a while…good times. anyway…so she came over, we didnt get home til like 4 am or so, i finished the bottle of champagne and maybe another drink, i dont remember…then fell asleep…

the time is upon us…time to start 2005. so many things are going to happen this year…our next civil war, my 10 year reunion, maybe i’ll finally grow my first pubes…

i don’t know what is in my head today…something is causing me to be upset and feel a bit down…probably just time for the pendulum to swing. it always has to happen…i don’t know what i can blame it on this time. sure…the green monster that bites us all slowly tries to surface, but i’m doing my best to keep it at bay, i really don’t have a reason for it to come out. my insecurity makes me feel threatened, as maybe it should…sometimes i just don’t care enough and don’t take notice. there are levels of respect that i know people won’t cross, so i shouldn’t even take notice that i feel any type of insecurity…who knows. i guess sometimes i just want to feel more special than i’m shown. it’s no one’s fault, no one needs to cater to me or change their ways, i’m not asking that…it’s a temporal mood and it will soon dissipate. oh well. i’ll drink…it will disappear…i’ll listen to my friend’s problems tonight and i’ll swell with annoyance and irritation at why women deal with men, i’ll wish to distance myself so much from being that persona…sometimes i wish i didn’t have to even call myself human, especially male…why are we such impure assholes….. so…the she-hag called me the other night, i hadn’t talked to her since about july 03 based on how old her kid is now. we had a good talk, i really miss talking with her, as she does me, but it’s not going to increase. too much tension from outside parties for us to ever be close friends again. i guess a couple of things she said have really clawed my brain, i have had to give them time to process before i wanted to give them any credit. one of them…..”well, that situation sounds REALLY familiar….” so many things that have happened recently are so similar to things i’ve went through in the past…i can’t repeat my same mistakes i made with her because i fucking know better…i learned so much from that pain that i never want to be that person. she knows it and i know it, i’m not the only one to blame but i definitely needed to change, and i have. i refuse to follow the same steps i did to ruin that relationship. the other one was about astrology stuff…she’s an early leo, crush is a late leo…..and he statement was “wow, i’m the beginning and she’s the end?” and both of us sorta caught the implication of that…and i’m not sure what to think about it.

i don’t feel very special today….

you want me because i really LOOK at you, you want me because i touch you passionately and not sexually, you want me because i express to you how you make me feel, you want me because i am honest and direct, you want me because i make you feel something unique and different, you want me because every kiss is nearly as breathtaking as our first, you want me because i pay attention to what YOU like and what YOU want, you want me because you know i’d do anything for you without question, you want me because you’re afraid you won’t find anyone like me again, you want me because just kissing me on the cheek will make me melt, you want me because you know i’ll accept you on a good day or a bad… you want me because you know we mutually turn each other on so easily… you want me because i’m offering you all the things you never thought you’d find.