what do i say? i’ve not posted anything substantial in quite a while, i know…i’ve been sleeping instead. that and watching tv.
i’m also trying to find a used car since i have no a/c in mine, and i have shitty gas mileage.
i don’t know why, but i’m really digging the 2000 toyota celica. yes, black, because i’m OMGAWTH and so dark inside. i’ll probably only listen to manson and NIN to express my angst and teen rebellion.
yeah, inside joke…though most of you will catch the humor anyway.
what else…
i can’t sleep as usual.
i’ve been taking melatonin again, not quite regularly but a little here and there. seems to make me dream more. of course…for me…that’s never a good thing. i’ve seen a few faces i’d long forgotten, and that bothers me. it also seems to raise my perception a bit, and some of the other things have been coming around again. that or, they’ve been there, i’ve just stopped paying attention. we’ll see.
i had a horrible leg twitch last night, first time i’ve ever had that. it was seriously shaking and twitching, not that crazy “restless limb” crap or whatever that is, it was just one leg, and it was welling up from my mid thigh on my right leg. it was like, i dunno…just a wave of twitching that would increase until my whole leg was shaking almost uncontrollably. during some of those times as well was when i started noticing other things around the room. i ended up getting out of the bed and clumsily walking around the room trying to fight the leg convulsions.
who knows.
i hardly slept at all, that’s all i know. someone else couldn’t sleep, so that meant that i couldn’t sleep. one of those subliminal things i guess, when someone else is upset and fitful, it wakes me up even without them moving. spidey sense you know.
bleh.
anyway, heartburn and reflux is acting up again, so i think i’ll tame it with vodka, since thats…the logical thing to do. and time to see what cartoons are on…
adult swim FTW.
also a new goal/landmark is about to pass, so i’ll post that one in the next day or so when it happens, and no one will care but me, and that’s all that matters of course.
hmm…i sound like an asshole lately.
hugs and kisses!
ps…david bowie is cooler than you.

——-

~Princess of Pain~
Where the FUCK is my black eyeliner you sick-o? It was there the other day and then you came by. Bring it back you little shit, that is unless you are using it for your journal. 😉 hugs and kisses, if and when I get my shit back.
Reply4 years ago

Walela
David Bowie is cooler then everybody. I saw a movie with Bowie in it not too long ago where he was some sort of vampire maybe and he got sick and it made him rapidly age like by the hour and his girlfriend vampire had pretty much just given hope on him so he went to see Susan Serandon the doctor who’d done studies on aging. I didn’t watch the whole thing so I don’t know how it ended. Thus ends my pointless rant.
Reply4 years ago

Random
Yay Robot Chicken.
Reply4 years ago

i don’t get it. why dream now? it’s been too long. it was all just so real, and all just so familiar.
*sigh*
remember.
remember.

——–

Random
Remember remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder, treason
Should ever be forgot…
Reply4 years ago

She B
the fifth of November
Reply4 years ago

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? some dude named daniel. not some dude named flitzanu.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? yesterday.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? sloppy is the sign of genius.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? chicken

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? no

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? fuck yes, i’m amazing.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM ALOT? i prefer to act facetious.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? partially. had them removed twice, and they’ve grown back a bit.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? no, i’m fragile and would probably break.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? lucky charms

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? only my boots.

12. Do you think you are Strong? my odor is strong.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? peppermint

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? ass on girls, how douchebaggy they are if it’s a dude.

15. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING PEOPLE NOTICE ABOUT YOU? my pants.

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOU? my amazing broad shoulders.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? trick question.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? whatever.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? tan pants, black shoes.

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? bbq drenched cheeseburger

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? screaming.

22. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? electric blue.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS? french vanilla, apple cinnamon, vodka

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? jen

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? i do

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? ……..
27. HAIR COLOR? Brown

28. EYE COLOR? blue

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? yes, i’m blind

30. Favortie Food? steak

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
scary.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? unfaithful.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? blackish

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? winter

35. HUGS OR KISSES? i like high fives.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT? blueberry cheesecake

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? your mom?

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? your…mom?

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? never finished “hunt for the skinwalker”

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? ripples

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? i fell asleep watching Venture Brothers at 3am

42. FAVORITE SOUND? chainsaws.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? wtf am i 50?

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? wisconsin

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? i sure do.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? ooooooooooklahoma

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
your………mom’s??

———–
Blake Cover
My mom misses you. She’s disappointed that you never called her back after all your promises.
Reply(2)4 years ago

Blake Cover
Sometimes you just have to talk to the wookie.
4 years ago

Daniel Self
i asked her to trim her beaver. she looks like a werewolf wearing a thong.
4 years ago

just something that a girl gave to me a very long time ago.

I touched the cheek of a gypsy
And I kept him in my soul
I love his defiance
His beauty makes me whole
I dreamed I was a wild eyed dancer
Who could tame him and make him stay
But my reluctance to let him go
Has driven him away
And in my sleep I hear him sing
His song so far away
And think I tamed the gypsy
If only for a day.

——–

Lizz Mozingo
size=2>I liked that… I’m going to save it.
Reply4 years ago

Blue
Reminds me of PJ Harvey’s “The Dancer” for some reason.
Reply4 years ago

just passing this along….

“I am sending this story to you because I hope that when you choose a restaurant, you will keep this in mind. My friends and I were treated very badly at Alioli’s this weekend and I want as many people as possible to know about it.

This weekend I went out to eat with some friends – there were four of us including me. We went to Alioli’s on Brookside. We received horrible service – some examples: the waitress told us we needed to wait 20 minutes before ordering because the kitchen was too busy, I ordered a martini and got a margarita and the waitress lied to me and told me it was a martini, we asked no less than 4x for butter, we had to ask repeatedly to get water, we had to flag down another waitress to get the bread we’d asked for (which we thought ought to be complimentary since we weren’t allowed to order yet, but it wasn’t), our food was all served at different times so none of us actually ate together, one of the plates of food my friends ordered didn’t come out at all yet we had to ask for it to be removed from our ticket.

Because of the horrible service, we each only gave a 10% tip on our tickets. After we paid, the couple that was with us left, and Wendy and I were sitting at the table finishing our drinks. The owner came over to us and waved our tickets at us and told us that “In Oklahoma we give 15-20% as a tip”. I told him that we give tips based on service, and the service was bad. I said “let’s start with the fact that we were told by our waitress that we couldn’t order because the kitchen was backed up.” He said “That’s just the way it was tonight.” I said, “Well, that’s just the way the tips are going to be tonight.” At that point he said “Get out!” I said, “Fine we are leaving but we will make sure all of our friends know the way Alioli’s does business.” He then screamed “GET OUT” causing the entire restaurant to stare at us. We called our friends who had already left and one of them called the owner. During that conversation he told her “We don’t want your fat ass in this restaurant.”

I have now checked my bank and it appears that the owner changed the amount of tip on my signed ticket, adding an additional $8 to the tip I left.”

———–

thomas dunlap
time to go str8 juggalo on them fuckers.
Reply4 years ago

*Amber*
whoever you reposted this for… Tell them to file charges!!! People get fired and even worse all the time for changing tips. Thats like sticking your hand in someone’s bank account. Bullshit! I am a bartender and I can’t even imagine doing that!!!
Reply4 years ago

Daniel Self
sorry guys i thought i typed it in…it wasn’t “me” i just reposted this for a friend! 🙂 but i love all of you and your support and anger!
Reply4 years ago

Montega
I would cancel the transaction on the card, call the BBB and complain. I would go BACK down there and cause a scene until they gave my money back. In fact, I would stand at the door and let each person going in know how bad it is. People COULD strike with signs and all. You were nice to leave a tip at all. Morgan would have killed someone. That owner is glad it’s not him… He’s standing behind me screaming right now and it didn’t even happen to him! LOL
Reply(1)4 years ago

Duran Durangela
Whoa, the biggest outrage is that they took out an extra 8 dollars. That is such a violation.
Reply4 years ago

She B
oh my fucking FUCKIN goodness!!!!!!!!!! that is the most horrific, yet sadly awesome, story I have ever heard what the fuck!? really if i didnt know you Id say your totally lying.
Reply4 years ago

Blake Cover
I’ve never liked that place. If I don’t like it… then it’s not worthy of anyone’s attention.
Reply4 years ago

i miss her.

i miss her terribly.  my life has just been miserable since all this bullshit happened.  everything has just been so depressing.  i didn’t realize that she had connected to so many things i do on so many levels.  i don’t even know where to begin.

i read old emails from her…back from when we first met…and there was so much love and devotion…so much excitement…so much passion.  where did it go?  how did we stray?  so many “i miss you’s” and “i can’t wait to be in your arms” lines, so much about “i can’t wait to stand beside you” and “i’m happy as long as i’m with you.”  what have i done wrong?  love can’t fade this quickly…not again…

every little thing was just so meaningful…all the short times we spent together…for lunch, for her coming over to “work out” and for her “going to christi’s” and everything else.  god.  to see her show up at my door in sweatpants and a tshirt again…i loved it…she was so immediately comfortable around me and was always just so…beautiful.  i couldn’t wait for the next minute i was able to see her eyes, touch her face, kiss her lips…just hold her near me…i wanted to lay in her arms forever.

i miss her hair…gently brushing it over her ears…gently sliding it out of her face…grasping it with both hands as we kiss…how soft it is against my cheek…and those few times that i really played with it and braided it…i was so happy!  it was so adorable…

i can’t even sleep properly anymore…i dread going to bed, i have been sleeping on the couch mostly…until i wake up at 5am and only have to be in my bed for a couple hours.  everytime i lay in it, i reach over hoping to find her…my body keeps spreading my arm under my other pillows and stretching my leg over…the same as when we would lay intertwined…my leg between hers, my arm around her chest holding her so damned tightly…i never wanted her to slip away.  i’ve never been able to sleep that close to someone, i’ve never felt so safe and secure in anyone’s arms…i’ve never felt the serenity of being so near another heart.  it just pains me…i haven’t felt it in only a week and already it feels like an eternity.  she was so warm, so soft…so comfortable…the way her chest would rise and fall slowly as she breathed…how she would sometimes roll over and snuggle into my chest…it always made me smile so much, it made me feel so loved and wanted…and how we always found each others’ feet and rubbed them together when they were cold.

and her breath…it took several months to notice…but one day i just realized…i loved it.  it was recognizable and constant…when we slept i could smell it, i could smell her breathing into me…and i think it’s one thing i miss the most now.  and never did she wake up with a horrible mouth…it was never overbearing and nasty…and her scent…ahh…against my sheets, my pillows…i hate that it’s gone.  it was faint…nothing overpowering…but just enough to linger and remind me she was there.  i would lie in it and smile…smelling her…remembering her…dreaming and fantasizing of her…of all the times we shared in that room just cuddling and caressing…the nights we’d lie awake til 4am in sheer jittery nervousness…the first time my hands touched her bare skin…the first time she found the courage to touch me…how she kept saying how she’s more confident than that…but she felt like a schoolgirl.  so giddy…so shy…so fucking adorable.

with so much distance, it has stopped me from so many small sentimentalities…as i was shopping saturday morning i saw so many things i’d have loved to tell her about, but couldn’t.  snowglobes…funny posters…stuffed animals…keychains…so many things i saw and thought “omg i’d love to get that for jen!” but wasn’t supposed to.  it sucks.  i loved finding cute things for her to make her smile.  she invaded my every thought.

i haven’t admitted it…but lunchtime at work is the worst part of my day.  there was a time that we’d talk and laugh…through text or phone…or in person…and now i just feel alone.  i can’t call her up and have her tell me she misses me, i can’t text her and have her say something dirty that she wants to do to me, i can’t be next to her and have my heart racing…just dying til we turn a corner where we are alone so i can grab her and kiss her.  oh…the elevator…the few times we ended up alone…how our lips so quickly found each other in dangerous passion…

and my dirty little secret…she wore my leopard boxers last time she was here…i kept them near me just because she wore them so close to a secret area…the scent of sex still lingered.  i kept envisioning her wearing them…laying on her stomach with her cute ass sticking up…how soft it was, how inviting…i couldn’t take my eyes off of it.  they were MY shorts…and her sexy body was in them.  i loved it…and her in my white tshirt that day…and the pic she sent me…jezus.  i’ve never been more turned on by a girl.  at first i thought maybe i was just in the moment…but i’ve really thought so much about it…and i have NEVER been more turned on by a girl in my entire life.  i can’t put my mind around it…there is just something about her, something so sensual and loving…the way she gazes into my eyes, the way her hands touch me…when her lips hit mine…i’m simply in heaven.  i can’t explain it.  she’s the one girl that has been able to rock my world in a way no one can.

we used to talk for hours…now it’s mere minutes.  where have we gone so wrong?  where did we lose our path?  life has stressed her out so much…i sometimes think that it just pushed her away, that maybe i’m not truly the entire reason…but i can’t say.  there’s so much that has happened to her, so many bad things lately…and i’m the catalyst.  i blew her fucking world out of the water.  i threw her into so much turmoil…so much despair…so much emotion.  is it resentment?  is it regret?  does she hate me for pushing her to make such a big life decision and change?  even then, i saw myself with her…forever.  the way i feel about her, the way we connected, the chemistry we share…and our bedroom antics…i don’t want to lose this girl.  i wanted her to be mine, always.  i wouldn’t have tried so hard if i didn’t feel it.  i wanted her to be the “one” and the “only” for my life.  i never wanted her to drift so far from me.  even a month or so ago, she told me about a dream…a dream that she was shopping for a wedding dress.  i smiled quietly to myself…never said a bad thing about it…of course, i could have laughed…said that was ridiculous…said it was crazy…but no.  it was beautiful…i think i saw her dream as she was telling me…picturing her in a beautiful white dress…i’ve said too much.

i just wish she would come home.  i just wish she would close her eyes and find those feelings again, the ones we danced in so often…so gleefully and without a care in the world.  we’ve gotten away from what we were, and allowed ourselves to become something different.  we lost our interaction…we stressed over little things and life…and we’ve allowed walls to come up.  i’m fighting them…i’m breaking them…my insecurity and fear of losing her has caused me to lash several times.  it has caused me to be self-indulgent and grasping.  i think part of us started taking the relationship for granted instead of valuing it for what it truly was…true love.  true admiration.  true connection.  we loved with a passion unheard of…with strength beyond that which most people ever find…with feelings that some never realize are possible.  i love her…her soul…her brain…her heart…her very essence.

even against all adversity…i’m still trying.  i’m still pursuing.  i’m risking losing close friendships just to take the chance that all can be worked out.  it’s a risk i’ll gladly take…it’s one i’m not afraid of.  i want her back, i want things to be how they should be, us together…in each other’s arms…her comforting me and me comforting her…sitting on the couch, hand in hand, laughing, smiling, giggling…

i just want her to come back home to me…to complete me…to finish the story that we started back in october.  to reinvent the love we share and the feelings we had…i don’t want to lose the one i’ve looked for, the one i’ve waited for, the girl of my dreams that complements me so well…

i love her.  with all that i am, i love her.  my fragile little jennifer…my peach…my humplebutt…my humler…my girl.  the one that cried for me that drunken, icy night…”i just want my daniel…i just want MY daniel…he makes it all go away and makes me happy…”

i never wanted this to end…i’ve had those visions of the future…us growing together, us getting married…arguing over what color my hair should be…her telling me i have to wear a tux and not a kilt…a beautiful strapless dress squeezing her body and a long flowing white tail behind it…our smiles lighting the whole room as our hundreds of friends watch us and see us happy together…making decisions as a family, watching jordan grow…going to football games…visiting her family next christmas…every fucking detail i’ve seen in my head…and i don’t want to believe that it was all just a silly dream…

just in case you folks have passed up the new NIN album, “Year Zero,” go check it out. you can listen to all the songs from the myspace page even. go listen. quit dicking around and do it.

ok honestly, it took a while to absorb.
first run through…i didn’t like it. so i listened again. meh…not sure. third time…ok this is interesting. fourth time…i’m catching the beats and rhythms and i’m nodding and tapping. fifth time…ok this fucking rocks.
i’ve listened to it quite a bit since, and each time it just got better and better. some of the songs have some less than interesting lyrics and content, which is a bit of a letdown. ok, to be fair, less than interesting to ME. i prefer some of the older, deeper stuff, and some of these songs are bordering on topical and political, but that of course…is the theme.
sure…some of you think it’s all noise…and, in fact, it is. it’s very noisy, and can sound very annoying at first listen. the tones and sounds are off, and they don’t hit the ears well, but you have to give it time to really sink in. it’s almost like…your brain doesn’t want to understand it properly because it’s so substandard and non-linear.
anyway…his voice is great as always, he hasn’t lost his touch and bringing chills and anger with his screams and vocals. a great investment…so go pick it up.

———–

Blue
I’ve listened to it obsessively since it came out, I just can’t stop.
Reply4 years ago

Duran Durangela
I told you you’d like it 🙂
Reply4 years ago

i touched her again. i couldnt’ stand it…i went to her place…quietly walked through the dark, and just wanted a glimpse of her pretty face as the moonlight shone through the window. it was lovely. but i ghad to touch her. she awoke with a fright…of course…i’ve had people do that to me and it’s scary shit…sorry…holding her in my arms was just..breathtaking. it was so sad to let her go. she hugged me back…and caressed my back and ran her fingers through my hair…it felt so wonderful. i only wanted to stay in those arms forever and keep that moment through the night…
i kissed her gently on the cheek…she kissed back…and i kissed her forehead one last time before leaving…
she seems so far gone already, my heart hurts. she did text and ask where i was, and that i didn’t need to drive all the way home if i wasn’t safe…but i was so close already. i said a few sentiments…about wishing to be in her arms…but nothing was repeated back to me, only “sweet dreams!” i don’t want to believe the feelings are gone..i don’t want to believe she didn’t feel the same way…i don’t understand how she can stay so far away and so quiet…perhaps my words have simply lost meaning. so quickly she seems to be turning it off.
it kills me…i want my muse, i want my love…i want my jennifer back…what have i done…what can i do…i’m pushing her away and i can’t stop it 🙁

sometimes a thousand words are simply best expressed in one tear drop.

——-

scott king
You can cry on my shoulder any time dude…
Reply4 years ago

Random
Blood drops are good for that, too. 🙂
Reply4 years ago

just take me back to last night…

——–

The Dalai Mama
You selfish bastard! If you had one wish you would waste it on that? There are more important things going on in the world. I hope you NEVER get a genie! 🙂
Reply4 years ago