have i lost my voice?

“…replay the part, you stole my heart, i should have known you’re crazy…”    “so bittersweet this tragedy, won’t ask for absolution..  this melody, inside of me, still searches for solution… a twist of fate, a change of heart, kills my infatuation… a broken heart, to hide the spark, for my determination…” (GnR “Better”)

“broken lies and cigarettes, writing on the wall, it was a bargain for the summer and i thought i had it all… i was the one who gave you everything, the one who took the fall, you were the one who wouldn’t do anything, the one who can’t recall…”  (GnR “There Was A Time”)

“what i thought was beautiful don’t live inside of you anymore…” (GnR “The Blues”)

…at least as best as i can understand and transcribe.  good stuff.  i can’t wait for the new shit to come out, it’s fucking amazing.

i have a very strange callous on the side of my index finger on my right hand, and i’m having trouble figuring out what caused it.  i guess i recently started paying attention to it, sometimes it gets really dry and cracks, but i am clueless how it got there.  it’s a very odd place, and this sounds silly, but if you hold up a pop bottle, it’s right where the little ridge of the mouth of the bottle would press against your finger if you wrapped your index finger around it.  i don’t drink THAT much pop, not enough to have slowly and steadily developed a callous from holding a plastic bottle.  i also get a recurring one on my index finger on my left hand, but it’s on my fingertip.  not a very uniform thing either, just a strange stiffness and ridge directly on the fingerprint side of my fingertip.  maybe that’s where they are hiding the implants.

yes, that’s a joke. probably.  i’d think i’d notice by now if i had alien implants in my hands.  or if i’d been abducted…at least i hope i’d remember something like that.  and my ass isn’t sore.

i’ve felt lately like i’m missing a conversation.  i don’t know anything about it, but like…i feel like there are words i’m not expressing, or maybe that i’m losing my muse and my inspirations…and also that i can’t seem to find a perfect balance with pure openness and censoring my emotional thoughts.  my words can be very dangerous…sometimes people don’t want to know how i feel about them…and sometimes people don’t NEED to know how i feel about them…. but i feel as if it’s detrimental if i try to lock my thoughts in my head.  and no…private posts just don’t work…i need the exposure and the subsequent feeling that someone else is reading it and on some level they are connecting to my words and my emotions for that exact moment, and if only for that moment.  if i bring a reaction…i’ve done my part.  it seems all i have lately is the reactions of others…it’s my art and my cheer.  i don’t even care if it’s negative…those are great too.  if my words spark something deep inside someone…be it primal, dark, strong, loving, painful or some other emotion that can’t even be fused into words…then i’ve created my art. 

i need something bigger than life…bigger than this…bigger than what i’ve been doing lately.  maybe i need back in college so i can get exposure to other thinkers or just a different crowd.  i love my people, it’s nothing to do with friends or culture…maybe just something different.  maybe i’m climbing my ladder and meeting my needs and i’m ready for the next step…maybe my stagnation is truly pushing me to learn new things.  i started writing a new story a couple months back but never found the urge to finish.  hell, that was several months back, not just a couple.  as often as i scream how i don’t need another soul to bring my happiness, i think deep down i really do.  i need balance in my life, or things become too extreme and too erratic.  it’s the sign of true broodiness to say that i’m surrounded by so many wonderful people and friends but i still feel so detached from everything…but there are times that it feels so utterly true.  i had become so mechanical while on meds, and at first i felt free and felt like myelf again.  then i realized that my own reactions were slipping, that maybe it was keeping me from finding my deep connection with someone…who knows.  maybe i let some of them slip away because i was so cold and robotic…or maybe i just kept myself safe.  fate has served me well in the past, and i can’t stop believing that things have been moving in the direction they’re meant to move, and while my actions have impact on those things…ultimately i’m going the direction i need.  i just hope i’m not slipping into sadness and not allowing myself to truly fall for someone…or maybe my timing is just wrong right now.  i know for certain situations my timing is terrible, and i can’t discount what the future may hold for some of the wonderful souls in my life.  the time may just not be NOW.  i’ll find my moment, i know that.  i just want to be comfortable…i want to stop having to try and stop giving SO much of myself to others… i can’t though, it’s just in my nature to exhaust myself of everything i have.  i can’t help but be there for other people and never myself.  maybe shehag was right in telling me that maybe i just needed someone to be there for me.  perhaps that’s all i’m looking for right now, someone to look me in the face and just KNOW.  sometimes i just want to feel familiarity and normality, someone to be waiting with a smile to keep me company.  so many simple things that are so easy to give…yet it’s all so clouded with the walls we create and the defense we build around ourselves…we never want to just close our eyes and jump…

i’ll build you, i’ll destroy you,

i’ll placate you, i’ll annoy you.

i’ll fuck you, i’ll sate you,

i’ll love you, i’ll hate you.

i’ll build you, i’ll break you,

i’ll give you, i’ll take you.

i’ll be who you want, i’ll be who you don’t,

i’ll be all those things that the other guys won’t.

i’ll show you things you wanted to see,

i’ll take them away, as quickly as can be.

i’ll show you the world, i’ll show you the door,

i’ll be for you rich, i’ll be for you poor.

i’ll cry when you leave, i’ll smile when you’re gone,

i’ll be dead in your arms, i’ll live for you at dawn.

i’ll kiss your cheek, i’ll kiss your lips,

i’ll tell you what you want, when i grab your hips.

i’ll break your heart, and you can break mine,

the anguish and delight, of love so divine…

http://www.mcsaatchi.webcentral.com.au/tennischallenge/optus_tennis_site_edited.html

i think i’m slowly realizing that i’ve lost my one constant in my life.  the one who really “got” me.  the one that knows me so much better than myself.  i look in the mirror, and i’m mostly there, but something is just missing.  it’s been too long to keep looking back, and a big part of me feels that i’m past the lost love…it’s the friendship that i miss.  i hate feeling that she’s dead in my world, that she doesn’t even exist anymore…because she has no place in my life.  it was a steady reminder of how low i’d fallen and how high i’d stood back up, and that reassurance is gone. 

every time i’d hit bottom again, she would be there to tell me i’m not a monster, that i’m not the beast i saw in the mirror…i’m not the thing that has broken so many souls…and i can’t hear that anymore.  others tell me, and it matters…but my heart just won’t believe the words in the same way she told me.  i don’t want to depend on anyone for my self-confidence, but it definitely hurts to not hear it from her.  i have the memories though, and it keeps me believing that i will find another that can lift me above all others, but there are so fucking few of them.  have i shut my eyes to all the angels around me?  can i no longer see their wings?  maybe they’re right in front of me and i choose not to believe, or maybe my heart has grown so cold that i just can’t recognize my own kind anymore.  i’ve only felt that strong connection with a handful since then, and i don’t think those few even realize how strong they are.  it could be my fault, i tend to keep my mouth shut about those vibes and connections…as it only gets me in trouble or gets me hurt again.  one of them i’d found nearly tore me apart, and maybe i’m still not healed from that.  i’d lost everything inside myself after that, and it has taken a tremendous amount of patience and effort to convince myself that i’m not all those things she’d told me, but maybe i’m not there. 

and what of the recent one?  what of her words?  that i should NEVER try to get close to someone again because i’m only going to do the same thing?  what if you’re right?  your words were in anger and sadness, but they came from somewhere.  you have no idea how hard that hit me, i think about it every day.  life and love are both about risks, but how fair is it to know how quickly i can bring you down?  is it still a risk when i know i can hurt you more than you can hurt me?  it could be a facade, perhaps i’ve simply convinced myself that i’ll break you before you’ll break me…and that deep down i’m only scared that i’ll be shattered again and left for dead. 

i’m the one wearing the mask, i’m the one hiding inside what i’ve created.  i’m the romance you’ll dream about, i’m the boy your family will love, i’m the lover that will make you feel things you never knew possible…and i’ll simply hide behind my mask of friendship.  you’ll never know how much easier it is to hide my feelings and attractions than it is to show you what i truly am and what i truly have to offer.  i will never be the best thing you could ever have, but i’ll be the one you’ve always wanted to find.  there are still so many of you that have no idea…i’m just not strong enough to remove my mask yet.  maybe it is safer that i continue wearing it, i only get myself hurt and into trouble by taking it off.

It’s so funny how things suddenly lose perspective…when you think things are falling into place, something will come along and throw you off course… I thought I had things under control, and now I feel I’m spiraling again, seeing things in all new light, and it scares me.  It’s so damn hard for people to get in my head, and a few of you have been able to do it lately, and I don’t know what to do.  Some of you are so close…and you don’t even know it, or maybe you do.  I often wonder how clear my intentions may come across, or if they’re even noticed…or if it even matters. 

I’m probably stupid as usual for thinking that anything may work out with these few special people that have caught my attention.  No, I’m not stupid for thinking that…there’s no reason to be.  Some of the best things in my life have come from my stupidity…as ironic as that may sound.  It’s always the ones I’d never expect, and I think that works both ways.  I’m not the one you’d expect, not the one you’d look for, not the one you’d hope to find.  I am, however, everything you could ever want.  At least I pretend that I am.  Perhaps I’m not, as others have been witness to, because I may hurt you.  I won’t do it intentionally, I won’t do it recklessly, I will do it because I don’t know any better. 

So, I have my secrets.  A few of you know them, but most of you will never have a clue.  I’ll continue to wear the mask and you’ll never know any different, and you may catch a glimpse of me when I raise it for a breath and you’ll see the way I look at you, the way I smile at you…or you may gleefully go about your life and never have a clue.  Will I admit it?  Hardly.  Some strife is best left untouched…and I may never admit to any of you how far I’ve fallen for fear of ruining the perfect world that we have. 

It sounds really lame…but I watch Smallville and want to cry…a lot.  This ruins the flow of what I’m saying, but basically Clark Kent is in love with Lana Lang.  He will never admit it…or does so ever so briefly, only to retreat into his shell because he is so afraid of hurting her again.  He holds his perfect love so closely in his soul, he hides it in his eyes, and tortures himself whenever he sees her.  I can relate only so well…as the few that have crossed my path are best left to my imagination.  Then comes the question…is it my place to protect them?  Nothing will come of a secret…but once those words are spoken, they can’t be taken back.  Risk is everything, and is it worth the risk to simply confuse and convolute the friendships forged because of a fluttering of the heart? 

So much damage can be done with so few words.   Hell, damage can be done without the words.  A look…a gesture…a tone of voice…it will all be taken for granted.  Stars will burn and tears will fall, and I’ll still be here to hold your hand and pick you up after you’ve been damaged and broken…I’ll still be the one trying to save you.