You are the Abuse Clerk! You dish out verbal (and
some physical!) abuse all day long…as long as
the customer keeps payin’! Aaah…such
satisfying work!

What Monty Python Sketch Character are you?
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maybe i can sleep tonight…. i want to stop smoking. i just cant find the feeling that i want to have my LAST cigarette…i have to get it in my head for when the last one needs to be. if not soon, i’ll stop by New Years…it will at least by a resolution. not that i’ll go back on it and give in, it just might be easier to have a goal and timeframe. i need a new habit…maybe i’ll start working out instead. i know i say that, i just need to do that as well.

the ultimate halo 2 info: http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=2481

i was prompted the other night about how much i talk to a certain person, and the disbelief that it would continue under different circumstances. i think that’s a normal reaction, and i had to really think about it…and when i was with the dreaded she-hag, we were inseperable. i remember we talked at work when we could, we’d hang out after work, and as soon as i dropped her off she’d call me on my cell and i’d talk to her all the way home, then she’d call me back on my home phone when i got inside and we’d talk until she passed out. that happened i think almost until we moved in together…i remember i had like a $500 phone bill one month from talking just to her… so there’s the answer, i had almost forgotten that too. we were ALWAYS on the phone…

well, my current situation hasn’t changed much, just that i’ve heard some deeper, more meaningful things from the one i like…i guess i should say, even if it’s temporal, it’s still beautiful to at least hear those things from her lips. so with the distancing of my friends, i’ve started going solo…i think i’m starting to enjoy it more. it’s nice to not worry about anyone else, it’s nice to have freedom to do what i want and not be concerned with their plans. i went to the depot last night instead of sitting at home alone. i got there early enough to get my old table in the corner…sat there a while and got a few hellos from the people i knew…then Eve and her new bf showed up and sat with me. she was always a hottie, but always a little insane…in a good way though. i did the chit chat with them for a bit, then JW found his way over and sat with me thru the night after Eve and bf left. i’d say the highlight of the night…an old high school friend showed up with another old mutual friend. i hadn’t seen Chandra in a couple years, it was good to catch up. she was always one of our top 5 high school hotties, so it’s good to see she has upheld her position 😉 surprisingly, she remembered some of the things i had written in high school and told me that she thought i was like the only other person she remembered EVER writing anything…it makes me feel really good that someone (and she) kept that in mind. of course i like writing for myself, but it’s definitely nice that someone remembers something like that that seemed so insignificant at the time. ahh…i digress….i’ll have to find and post some of my old writings, perhaps it will be nice to stroll down high school memory lane of the goofy stuff i wrote back then…and it’s was also nice that she agreed i “transformed” well 😉 i was such an awkward freak-o in junior high through high school….it took a long time to find my “image” to at least look decent. i was pretty hideous at times in school. no surprise it took a pure soul like Danya to find me and look past it… so, she was hanging out with Butch, who happens to be the brother of another friend Shane…who i found out is in Iraq now. i had no idea he got shipped, its good to hear he’s ok. best wishes to him (and all the others) doing our service, can’t wait to see him when he gets back. so i sat with jw and had a few drinks…later the karaoke dj guy Milky came and told jw that his cousin was coming up with 2 chicks and wanted a place for them to sit and be safe, so the trio of girls came and sat with us. they were barely 21, and one of them had JUST turned 21 that night…such naivety and innocence….they’ll learn soon enough. ah, and “coincidentally” enough, one of them was named Danielle. that makes only about 3 or 4 of them in my LIFE that i’ve met. oh, cant forget, jw knew a girl there named Megan (i think she said she spelled meagan) so i had to tell her how that’s my favorite name. if i were to pick an ideal fantasy woman, i’d want a redheaded irish girl with green eyes named meagan…with an accent…and snow white skin. again…fantasy i say…nothing i’d pursue. we all have to have a fantasy person, it keeps us sane and helps us respect our perspective of beauty. and what else…oh yeah…heh..NONE of my fucking friends wanted to text me back last night….beautiful. so there’s teh answer, usually i wait for people to hit me up about going out, and now that i’m being “excluded” and i try to contact people no one finds the time to write back. fine…i’ll continue to hang out alone, it’s better for me anyway, i found people to have fun with regardless. well, the couple that did…thanks bob, thanks jen2 (even tho you were in DC), and thanks brian, even if it was today and you were asleep. well…no emotional outpour today? she knows how i feel. she knows that i’m thinking of her. anticipation and longing are a comforting ally, it’s sort of comforting having someone to truly miss. it’s been a long time since i really MISSED hearing someone’s voice, the excited heart jump when you see their name on your caller id, the anxiousness waiting for them to feel the same…. *sigh* it will pain me to wait until tomorrow to look into your eyes again…but the pain is worth every minute. “the heat of your breath … i wanna say all those things … that would be better unsaid” and now the obligatory song lyric insert…… ——————————————————————————– Nine Inch Nails- physical (you’re so) originally by adam and the ants ——————————————————————————– i wanna take you maybe i wanna take you out i wanna wine and dine you oh i wanna twist and twist and shout i want you hot in my arms so soft on my bed you get the key to my heart oh when you wear that sweet dress but you’re too physical physical to me you’re just too physical physical no to me i want your rough house baby i want this right in your ear you let me feel your danger i let you make this feeling clear here i want the touch of your charms the heat of your breath i wanna say all those things that would be better unsaid no but you’re too physical physical to me you’re just too physical oh you’re too physical for me you’re too physical to me you’re really just too just too just too really fuck no god damn it you’re just too physical you’re just too physical too fucking physical no, no, no, no, no, no oh you’re too physical just too physical just too

i’ve thought about you almost all day, just simple things, wondering what you were doing, missing your voice, picturing you smile…i guess its the small details that intrigue and fascinate me… if i dwell in the thoughts long enough, i can get the same feeling i have when i’m in your strong presence…the welling of emotion in my neck, like, the feeling you get being super sad and wanting to cry…only the opposite….if that makes sense. i wish i could have seen you last night, as much as you wish you could have seen me. i’ve trampled on my friends feelings though, i have to have some reluctance to spend every possible minute for you, i know you meant no harm…you were worth every minute. i know you’re scared, your unsure…you just don’t know…i won’t ask you to listen to your heart, i won’t ask you to ignore your thoughts…i can’t pressure you for time, i found you when i shouldn’t have, and i’m willing to take that responsibility…and with that means that i’ll be waiting. you’re not asking me to wait, i know…and i won’t wait forever. something will come to pass and your answers will be revealed, as will mine, and until then, you will be just outside the grasp of my fingertips…and i will remain slightly outside of your reach as well. i look forward to our next time together…the feel of your soft skin under my fingertips…running my fingers through your silky hair…watching you smile at me and look back at me with your beautiful eyes…i’ll watch you shine….i’ll watch your belief as it starts to slowly grow… i am real, just close your eyes and touch my hands. your eyes have me under your power…

i snagged this from the tulsatime forum… http://popvssoda.com/countystats/total-county.html tulsa is higher in saying “pop” than “soda.” i’ve always called it pop….

what the FUCK are these people thinking….a “clown cult” ?? of course this is the type of thing that would happen from people who won’t shut the fuck up and pay attention. http://www.kvbc.com/global/story.asp?s=2614191&ClientType=Printable thanks for catching this one, rich.

words cant express how you make me feel..the way you said the simplest things… i wanted tos ee you i wanted to come to yourhouse tonight i wish i could have come over….. i think about you too much…. i miss you…. you dont know how itmakes me feel…and i cant express (i know i said it alreayd) how that makes me see yo9u…. you’re beautiful for all that you are, for all your frailty, for all your faults, for all your misgivings and misunderstandings…you are the one thing that i’ve felt in a long tme….i only wish you to see my heart for what it truly means….the thints i want to show you, the things i wish you could see… you are a creature that i havent seen the likes of in a long time…you are something that MEANS something to me… a creature i didnt know i would find again… i’m desperately …….in ……. love with you. you know this already, as i know…..and i know you feel something too….. and it scares you…ity frightents you beyond belief to think that somethintg like me would find you, you never wanted to see a thing like me as something you could get clo9se to, as something you could fall for….as ssomething that could be the being that you want to be with….i’m never the thing that people dream about, i’m never thjething that people desire….i confuse you to no end….you cant under4rstand why you would be attracted to ME….and yet, i dont understand why i could be so affixed to a thing like you…in my eyes you’re all that i’d be afraid of, all that i’d run from…and yet you captivate me to no end, the way you are…the things you possess….your spirit is pure and loving and i can only dream tha tyou’d believe me…. i see what you are, and i want to be closer….no matter what the cost….it may cause me pain and angu9ish beyond what i want…you may vcause me damage and you may hurt what i wish myself to become…but i cant fight what my heart is telling me…you are the one thing that i desire., and my heart wont deny me th8is….you wont be replaced. you know what i am, you know what i offer you…you even know the things that others dont, you understand me for what i show you and what i offer…adn yet you havent turned your back on me…. and i wont turn my back oin you…. do the thigns you see as important for now, i will be waiting….i cant wait forever for you to see me as what i hide so well from others, but you have your time….no one else has deemed worthy of my time….make your decisions and live your life as you need….i’ll take the backseat as long as my hgeart allows…but i cant promise it will be forever…. it will only be as long as it needs before i break and revert to what i have tried so desperately to be… i want to be cold and distant…i want to be strong and secure….i want to believe that i dont need comfort and love in my life…but you keep showing me otherwise and it pains me to know that i can love you the way that i’ve only dreamt possible… your journey doesnt have to continue if you close your eyes and start looking with uyour soul… bless you for telling me you miss me, bless you for telling mne you wish you could spend thyis night with me….bless you for what you are and the thigns you dont understand…. i’m still watching you and my arms are still open… i’ll have my chance to have you again, i’ll have the time to touch your soul and allow you to see the things you only think about….i’m real, and i’m standing right outside your grasp…but only for now. your grasp and your fingertips can touch me as soon as you alllow it. i want to feel your hot breath next to my skin…i want to breathe you in and allow my senses to become drunk in your essence…i want to taste your skin against my lips, your warm body cuddled against mine in security and comfort….i want to gaze in your eyes for eternity and have you understand that all things become lost when we stare at each other… those are thei things i’m afraid to see when i stare into your eys…this is why you scare me, this is why i’m afraid….i knew you the first time i saw you, i looked atyour face and your piercing eyes…i let myself dance in your gaze and believed that one day i might have my chance… you made my heart soar and play when you said you wanted to be with me tonight, you made me surge when you said you wished you had the chance to come over….i can imagine my hands holding yours…my eyes lockign with yours….my lips touching yours in such a dangerous and powerful embrace…. the time isn’t yet, it will come soon…when the stars deem it right, i’ll show you the things that you never thougth possible….all you have to do is believe that i am real…that i am standingt in front of you…all uyou have to do is hold out your loving hand… thank you for telling me how much you missed me and how much you think of me…you don’t know how strong those simple words really are…. i’m not the same flesh and blood you think i am…and neither are you…

well, i really hope you mean it. i bring confusion and complexity everywhere i go…and everything i touch turns into something uniquely different than it’s original form… so i truly hope you mean it when you say that “i’m worth it.” thank you. it does make me feel better than you’d ever know or understand.